Oh, drats, Debs, try again. Don’t move this time. Breathe shallow, slowly, silently. Don’t get lost in the mesmerizing ebb and flow of the twisting kaleidoscope colors frolicking behind the shuttered darkness of my eyes. Ah… that’s it. Very good, in fact. Relax into this moment and experience the sweet smell of silence and the taste of anticipation for yet another moment. Yes, this is it. The moment has arrived.
As I took my first somewhat shaky step onto the path of the following adventure, my mind created a succulent flavor for the crowning moment. A lovely scent was paired with it to enhance the sweet smell of spring’s fresh breeze after a nourishing rain. All feelings had been carefully wrapped around the taste of the rain as I spun them into a shimmering cocoon called “possibly safe.” The place where both the chance of defeat and/or sweet triumph continued to swirl and blend.
At this point, some folks might point out there seems to be something missing. An expectation? A reward of an outcome? I decided all expectations were carefully avoided, ignored, obliterated, and ground down into tiny pieces to be shared with Mother Earth at a later date. This is about choice…all about MY choice because my timing mattered.
Oh my, the moment is about to arrive. My eyelids begin to flutter a bit as I allow just a hint of light to be seen. Before I open my eyes, I take the biggest and deepest breath of my entire life. I get lost in the feeling of air filling my lungs — I’m almost dizzy. My body begins to shake just a bit while I consciously unlock my trembling knees, slowly open my eyes, and double-check the plan I created in my mind. Ah, yes, the color green does hold quite a vivid flavor of “possible success,” alongside the coolness of its wintergreen mint color. I feel a titillating breeze begin to blow through my hair as I sense the textures of the clothes against my skin – they feel soft yet somehow a bit irritating.
My eyes finally open and connect with my brain as I translate what I see into my childlike comprehension. The following events are forever branded in my soul because words cannot fully express the power of the “next” moment. To do what I did next was a bit risky for a child. I was five years old, and it was my first day of kindergarten. I had already endured several suffocating hours in a room with total strangers while trying to understand the meaningless words the teachers were saying. On top of all that, I had just been released from the hospital after yet another beating from my father.
My survival fully depended on the next few moments. I stepped into the hall, pondered my choice yet again, and decided it was, in fact, my only salvation. The next step was correct, authentic, and absolutely necessary. I peaked out the door and stepped out into the hallway, looked both ways, and with total confidence I…
reached up and pulled the fire alarm.
It’s amazing how fresh, clean air feels when walls disappear
Everything above is true – yes, I really did pull the alarm
The Michigan Courts immediately removed my two sisters and me from
our birth parents and placed us in foster care.
Both parents were not allowed to be alone with us again
– they both died of alcoholism –